Monday, October 27, 2008

not at all perfect...



I have been in a funk and feeling a little like I am disappointing myself, and others. I'm in my forth year of college and I love that I am learning skills that are so practical and career orientated, but I am ready to be done, not done learning but done giving all day everyday, or at least get a second to breath but when i think about it even though I am stressed I have no reason to complain. but It seems to be moving fast and I am stuck-if that makes any sense. I think I am not practicing the whole balance thing that well. Maybe it's that I miss my bay area family. Maybe its because I have some self doubt, and all that motivation built up to succeed seems to have withered away a little bit, or maybe I am just tired and need to get some sleep. Anyway even though we all know no one is perfect I tend to hold myself, and those closest to me up to this standard of perfection and this always leads to me feeling disappointed. I know its fucked up but i still be doing it. If I am not getting up early, working on homework, cleaning the apartment until it's spotless, making dinner, making art, making music, volunteering my time to a good cause, working two jobs to pay the bills, and supporting all the people I love, I feel guilty as hell. This guilt is pointless because it doesn't make me do all those things it just makes me feel like crap.

These standards were never put onto to me, my mom never told me I had to go to college and be perfect, this has all been put onto me, by me. So its not like I am saying look what someone is doing to me, I am acknowledging that I am my own worst enemy that the very essence and characteristics i posses that make me the driven lady that i am are exactly whats holding me back and no one is to blame but me. That really doesn't sound right because that almost sounds like a cry for sympathy and the last thing i want is someone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes I should just stop overthinking things it tends to cause paradoxes like someone putting themselves in tiny caging boxes, that keep them feeling trapped and headed for disaster. if this doesn't make a damn bit of sense to you its mostly cause you probably don't get me and because I am not editing myself for thee- I am the only one responsible for making myself feel down, and by holding myself to that I can step my game up and get to my dreams, I will rise from this and learn from it too make me stronger. I have been disregarding what I know, which is that anything is achievable and you get what you what by affirming it. Instead of the usual positive mentality that I have to keep living and loving even when its hard I shut down a part of me, and started telling myself that I was dumb for not doing everything right. So I want to take the advice of my sister, and Anitheiess, and Phil, and Katiana, and stop being hard on myself because I am not at all perfect. This doesn't mean to let go of my values and priorities and stop trying to be a better person, please believe I will always do that and stay true to myself, but to change my mentality so that I can take some weight of my shoulders and feel free to do what is in my power to do one little lovely moment at a time.

These are just my thoughts but I know we all go through this, part of this is also forgiving others for not being perfect, and always keeping yourself in check--- to never lie to myself about who I am and what I want out of life. This is in no way complaining about what I am going through because I know how blessed I am for everything I have in this life, and how lucky I am to be alive, and to have accomplished all that I have thus far.

Ima go handle my business now, projects and traveling. soooo Peace!

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