Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My open letter to anyone who has ever loved me

First off that's a dramatic title i hope i have your attention. This is not a letter to ex boy friends if it was i could save it for one person. This is to anyone who has ever known me (not my art or music but me) cause to know me is to love me. Even if I have told you a lot recently you have no idea of what I am going through lately, this is not to worry you but to give you some perspective. Whenever you put yourself in other peoples shoes (with the intention of showing empathy) there is always the likelyhood you will start to feel judgemental and say to yourself something like (if i were here i would be doing this that and the other). As of right now for reasons i will disclose only in person I have a huge task on my plate and no one can help me but me. However I know that to help myself I need to surround myself with certain people. Healing people, loving people, non violent people, and people that don't lie, cheat, flake, and overall consistency is needed: don't say one thing and do another. I recently (yesterday) just ended two friendships with people who I cared deeply about, but when i look back...we may have had some wonderful conversations, i may enjoyed there company, but after the drinks wore off or the blunt was smoked they were never there for me. I would have done anything for these two people and did at times, drop everything in my life for them, and they didnt have the decency to send a four word txt before ghosting after laying down a whole lot of plans with me.
I am not at all bitter, despite the last few sentences of venting. I am glad I gave whole heartedly in my friendship that what makes me, me. You ain't never had a friend like me if i put you in my inner circle (like the drummers at pow wow) i will honor you and be nothing but loyal.
Anyway I have nothing to my name, and I can't walk, and because of that my job situation is questionable because almost everything i know how to do that i get consistantly paid for is on my feet. So i am homeless, but i am full of love, inspired, and driven like nobodies business. This is a test that i have been studying for my whole life, so although i may fall and I know ill rise and be so much stronger for it.
Yesterday despite better judgment after chilling by the water i rolled by a friends house, who i knew was going thru some things. This is a friend who confuses the fuck out of me. Shes' hella cool, and sometimes I am inspired by her But she continues to say one thing and do another, which i have a low tolerance for. At first I assumed it was her busy nomadic lifestyle and I gave her hella slack, but I realize it is her, just how she lives life, that confuses me. If I work with you on a busines level and you flake on your aggrements, and then you we kick it on a personal tip and you flake to, I begin to loose respect, unless you communicate clearly. But saying, I need to spend lots and lots of time with you, lets chill friday, okay i flaked sunday? okay i flaked again...after all that history doesn't work for me. And it makes me do things like listen to my homegirl and pop up on you un announced. 1 cause im worried that your isolating the fuck out yourself and only talking to people who don't really see you, and previuosly made comments from you like "i adore you" and things of this nature would have made me think we were that type of friends that could just check in, and 3 cause i this point i aint got nothing to loose. and lastly I am from a culture where we stop by and say hi, and lastly i ain't got a car no more so if im in yo area ima knock on your door, and second lastly I am leaving oakland and made the mistake of thinking that mattered to you and you would want to say bye, despite whatever funk you was in. I could blame it on my homegirl but I take full responsiblity for my actions. You. need to learn basic communication skills and stop playing victim to the world when things don't go your way. Lifes tought but i know a handle of people including myself who have had to deal when there closest friends and family members where shot and killed so rise above and tell the folks who care what you need clearly or they won't care. I am saying this from a place of knowing because I have lost many friends from ghosting on them without explanation and I might see them from time to time but it will never be the same.
Im sick of people thinking i am overeacting when I am the one getting dissed, but if everything in there world doesn't go perfect they go bad on people, usually me who for some reason decides to take on responsibility for peoples well being knowing damn well they would never do the same, and if they ever came close would guilt the fuck out of me for it (when i never guilt trip of hold shit over people).
I have learned to not so much listen to what people tell you they are, but what people show you they are. I give people a lot of slack, from my mama, my sister, to the people i choose to love. But there ar ecertain things that are unforgivable.
If you don't show me basic respect, you don't have the right to worry, or know anything about my life, and i will don't save a place when i make it to where im headed.
If you don't hear from me you have no one to blame but yourself, you have either been very disloyal, treated me in away i decided was harmful to my evolution or dangerouse for my health, or i just don't enjoy your company anymore.

Much Love,

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